Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
