I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
