; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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