Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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