my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
