dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
