Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
