I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
