sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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