I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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