You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
