so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize