In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
