I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
