I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
