You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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