there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
