Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
