I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
