My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
