i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
