You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
