I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
