Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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