maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
