true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
