i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
