the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
