i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
