Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
