well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
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You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize