how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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