right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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