nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
