sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
