Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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