its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
