I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Randomize
