piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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