im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
