OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
