Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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