two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
