My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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