This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
