Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
