Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
