I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
