No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
