Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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