you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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