some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
