Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
