I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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