I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
