My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
