after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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