NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
